Q & A for a laugh / FUN WITH ENGLISH!

FUN WITH ENGLISH

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".

Q: Secret of long life
A: Morning two eggs, evening two pegs... and night two legs

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telephone conversation between computer helpdesk n customers

True Telephone conversations recorded from various Help Desks around the U.K


Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ....

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of ! the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: No.

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A tedd! y bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in! Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over ! 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

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diferencess between UK & US English...

I believe many of us always confused between British English & American English...
in this topic...
I will list down some of sentence & word to show diferencess between UK & US English...

A few advise from my lecturer...
if you always used British English...
just stick on it...
same thing if you use American English...
basically people will understand even you'll guys speak/write in different english (UK or US)...


BRITISH_______________AMERICAN

- Specialise_____________- Specialize
- to take someone on_____- to hire someone
- in each team___________- on each team
- flexi - time_____________- flextime
- holiday________________- vacation
- if I work at weekend_____- if I work on weekend
- mobile phone___________- cellular phone
- the automotive__________- the automobile
- car park________________- parking lot
- the gatehouse___________- the guardhouse
- be on an industrial_______- be in industrial
- estate_________________- park
- greenfield site__________- undeveloped site
- motorway______________- freeway / expressway
- the stores______________- the supplies
- colour_________________- color
- fibres_________________- fibers
- steel works____________- steel mill
- spanner set____________- wrench set
- oblong - shaped_________- rectangular
- to take an inventory______- to take inventory
- to do a stock check_______- to take stock
- We hire in casual_________- We hire temporary
- catalogue_______________- catalog
- Managing Director________- Chief Executive Officer
- Transport Manager________- Transportation Manager


Managing Director and CEO is actually depends on the organisation structure..

a US-based MNC, might have both of the position..
Managing Director in the local sites, and CEO in the HQ..
so in term of reporting structure, the MD will reports to CEO...

so we could say that MD and CEo can be recognised in both British and American english...


another things...


BRITISH_______________AMERICAN

- colour________________ - color
- offence_______________ - offense
- defence_______________ - defense
- centre________________ - center
- biscuits_______________ - cookies

BRITISH------------------------AMERICAN

Semi-Detached House--------------Duplex
Flat (one storey) appartment-------------Apartment
Terrace (row of houses joined)----------------Town House
Chemist-------------------Drug Store / Druggist
Cafe / Caff (not 24 hrs)--------------Diner
Bungalow-------------------House (one story) Ranch House
Friend / Mate--------------Friend
Glue--------------Gum
Rubber-----------------Eraser
Open Day / Open Evening-------------Open House

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Top 12 Signs They're Interested In You ..

1) You'll read his/her txts over and over again...

2) You'll walk really really slow while you're with him/her...

3) You'll pretend 2 be shy whenever you're with him/her...

4) While thinking bout him/her...your heart will beat faster and faster...

5) By listening to his/her voice...you'll smile for no reason.

6) While looking at him/her..you cant see the other people around you...you can only see that person...

7) You'll start listening to SLOW songs.

He/She becomes all you think about

9) You'll get high just by their smell...

10) You'll realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think about them..

11) You'll do anything for him/her...

12) While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.....

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10 silly website name.. muahahahhaha

Below is the list of 10 most silly website names;

1. Whorepresents

A whore presents something?
Real thing is :A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com.

2. Expertsexchange

Maybe this domain is very expert in sex change or sex transaction.
Real thing is :Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com.


3. Penisland

Is it land of penis? hehe
Real thing is :Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net.


4. Therapistfinder

So that communities today has giving a chance to the rapist. So who wants to find the rapist can search them here.
Real thing is :Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com.

5. Powergenitalia

Real thing is: Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com.

6. Molestationnursery

Nursery molest station? oh no. watch out your kid in nursery.
Real thing is : And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com.

7. Ipanywhere

If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com.
It is IP Anywhere. quite obvious this one.

8. cummingfirst

Who comes first? Or don't see it comming
Real thing is :Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com.

9. speedofart

Speeding make speeder fart?
Real thing is :Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com.

10. gotahoe

Got a Hoe is it?hihi
Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com.

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Pieces Of Advice For Me

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much..

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN! .. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.

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Don't copy if you can't Paste!!!‏

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He Said :
"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added:
"And that woman was my mother!"


Laughter and applause.


Aweek later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried tocrack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after adrink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner,
"The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"


The wife went;
"ah!"
with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out
"...and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water

Moral of the story:
Don't copy if you can't paste!


it does make sense...ekekekeke

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How To Commit suicide 101

A blonde, socially ridiculed decided to hang herself from a tree in the park and commit suicide.

A little bit later, an old lady walked around noticed her hanging from the rope and swinging.


She asked her what she was doing and if she needed any help.

The blonde firmly replied, "I am committing suicide by hanging."


The old lady says, "You are doing it wrong sweetie, put the noose around your neck not the Waist."

The blonde responses, "Ya giving me trouble again, I tried that, "but I could not breathe."

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Singlish?? or english??

You might like it. This is hilarious..... even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

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Sekadar kongsi cerita... aikk???

sekadar suka-suka saja.. takde berkenaan yang hidup atau pon mati.. kalau ada pon mungkin secara kebetulan...muahahaha

aik?

1) Pompuan akan menyuruh teman lelakinya memesan makanan banyak banyak ketika dia dalam keadaan sangat lapar. Namun apabila berat badan pompuan tu bertambah, pompuan akan menyalahkan teman lelakinya kerana selalu memaksa dia makan banyak banyak. Aik???

2) Akibat terlalu letih atau penat, pompuan akan memberitahu teman lelakinya supaya jangan menelefonnya kerana dia mahu balik rehat dan tido. Namun apabila teman lelakinya tak menelefonnya, dia menuduh teman lelakinya sudah tidak mempedulikannya lagi. Aik???

3) Pada waktu malam, akibat terlalu mengantuk..pompuan tak amik peduli apa yang di bicarakan oleh teman lelakinya melalui telefon. Terus tertido. Namun apabila pagi besoknya, pompuan tu memarahi teman lelakinya kerana letak telefon begitu saja. Aik???

4) Apabila sudah membeli suatu barang, pompuan akan bertanyakan pendapat teman lelakinya tentang barangan yang dibelinya tadi. Namun jika lelaki itu memberikan jawapan yang kurang memberangsangkan, lelaki itu dikatakan jeless. Aik???

5) Kerana terlalu banyak duit habis akibat berbelanja tanpa kawalan, pompuan akan menjadi tertekan dan cuba beritahu teman lelakinya bahawa dia telah pokai atau sengkek. Namun jika duit itu sebenarnya adalah duit teman lelakinya, apsal pulak dia hendak stress??? Sungguh aikk???


Aku makin tak paham...hahha hahha...saiko sungguh!

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sekadar untuk pengajaran

Ingin aku ceritakan sedikit tentang kisah hidup aku.
Aku dilahirkan didalam sebuah keluarga yang sederhana. Kedua ibubapa ku
ialah guru.

Alhamdulillah. .aku dianugerahkan oleh Allah akal yang cerdik. Dalam usia
18 tahun aku telah mendapat biasiswa untuk melanjutkan pelajaran ke luar
negara iaitu di negara matahari terbit, Jepun. Aku mengambil jurusan
Kejuruteraan. ..dalam masa beberapa tahun disana aku fasih bertutur dalam
bahasa Jepun.

Selepas bertungkus- lumus hampir 5 tahun akhirnya aku berjaya mendapat
segulung Ijazah. Aku tidak terus balik ke tanah air..sebaliknya aku
mengambil keputusan untuk terus menetap disini dan bekerja untuk
mengambil sedikit pengalaman. Dalam usia semuda 23 tahun aku bekerja
sebagai Eksekutif di sebuah firma terkemuka Jepun.


Aku cepat menyerap segala ilmu yang dipelajari semasa bekerja disini. 3
tahun lebih bekerja akhirnya aku mendapat kepercayaan pihak pengurusan
dan dinaikkan pangkat dari Eksekutif ke penolong pengurus dan seterusnya
menjadi Pengurus termuda didalam Firma tersebut.
Hampir 6 tahun bekerja disana akhirnya aku diarahkan oleh majikan aku
untuk pulang ke Malaysia .


Mereka telah melakukan pelaburan di Malaysia dan telah membuka sebuah
Firma baru disini dan akulah orang yang paling layak untuk mengendalikan
firma mereka disini. Alahamdulillah. ..aku dilantik sebagai Pengarah
Urusan.

Aku bekerja siang dan malam...bertungkus lumus...dunia aku hanyalah di
pejabat.Sekarang aku mempunyai 3 orang cahaya mata anugerah tak ternilai
dari Allah SWT.


Tahun demi tahun aku semakin sibuk dengan urusan kerja. Firma yang aku
kendalikan telah bertambah maju dan akhirya disenaraikan di papan kedua
bursa saham Kuala Lumpur . Tidak sampai 7 tahun beroperasi sekali lagi
kami telah disenaraikan ke papan utama BSKL. Hasil penat lelah selama
ini ahkirnya berbaloi.... aku dilantik sebagai CEO tempatan pertama di
firma ini dengan bergaji sebanyak RM38 ribu bersih sebulan beserta 3
buah kereta mewah... Syukur Alhamdulillah.

Dalam usia 46 tahun sebagai CEO....aku mula terasa kehilangan sesuatu!!!!!

Kebahagian keluarga.... .
Kesibukan aku menyebabkan aku serahkan segala tugas sebagai seorang ayah
kepada isteriku. Hubungan aku bersama keluarga renggang. Anak-anak aku
tak terurus...yang sulung dah tak macam orang...rambut warna merah...
bertindik di hidung. Apabila tiba waktu makan malam sudah tidak bersama lagi.

Segalanya kucar kacir. Pelajaran mereka pun entah kemana... Aku terlalu
sibuk di pejabat. Meeting sana sini. Lunch pun nak meeting....main golf
pun bincang pasal kerja....dinner pun meeting lagi!!!!...sampai tiada
masa untuk bersolat!!

Setiap pagi aku kena periksa segala laporan-laporan eksekutif
aku...sebelah petang kena buat report pada Board of Directors.
Sembahyang 5 waktu aku tunggang terbalik.... kekadang buat
...kekadang terlupa... astaqfirullah !!!! Setiap hari ada temujanji bersama
client aku dari Jepun.

Aku mungkin kaya...tetapi jiwa aku kosong...kadang kala jiwa
aku tertekan!!!

Bila aku pulang ke rumah lewat malam aku bersolat.... aku menangis...aku
memohon doa kepada Allah semoga diberikan ketenangan jiwa. Semoga
keluarga ku bersatu kembali.

Selang seminggu aku bernekad...! !!! Aku telah meletakkan jawatan ku
sebagai CEO.

Aku tinggalkan gaji aku sebanyak RM38K sebulan dan aku pulangkan kesemua
kereta-kereta mewahku pada syarikat. Keluarga ku terkejut. Isteriku
menangis.... tetapi bukan menangis marahkan aku meninggalkan jawatan
sebagai CEO...tetapi menangis kerana gembira...mereka gembira akhirnya
aku kembali kepada mereka..!!!

Aku beritahu mereka aku ingin berniaga sendiri. Buka gerai jual Kuew
Teow Goreng..!!!!

Aku diketawakan oleh mereka....tak apa aku akan buktikan yang bekas CEO
akan lebih berjaya dengan berniaga kuew teow goreng !!!!

Dengan sedikit pengalaman sebagai tukang masak (tukang masak tak
bertauliah) semasa belajar di Jepun dan sedikit duit simpanan aku
memulakan perniagaan pertama aku di sekitar Ampang...bersebelah an dengan
Citroen Showroom. Aku dibantu oleh anak sulung aku.

Hari pertama berniaga aku mendapat untung RM170.00 sehari. Berniaga dari
jam 4 petang hingga 10 malam. Hari Kedua dapat RM 120.00 sehari. Hari
ketiga dapat RM220.00 sehari....alhamduli llah. Dan hari-hari seterusnya
lebih kurang RM380.00. sehari.

Anggaran kasar pendapatan aku sebulan lebih kurang RM9,880.00 untuk satu
gerai. Perniagaan aku bertambah maju dalam 8 bulan aku membuka satu lagi
gerai di Cheras...dari 2 gerai aku membuka 3..dan seterusnya sehingga
sekarang aku memiliki 6 gerai makanan. Pendapatan bersih dari 6 gerai
tadi aku memperolehi rezeki dari Allah dalam RM60, 000.00 SEBULAN.
Bayangkan pendapatan seorang CEO RM38K sebulan dan pendapatan dari
berniaga Kuew Teow sebulan RM60K. Kini aku bersenang lenang bersama-sama
keluarga ku. Setiap bulan kami bercuti bersama.

Kini aku telah dapat kembali keluarga ku yang 'hilang'. Anak-anak aku
memang malas nak meneruskan pelajaran mereka. Jadi aku latih mereka
berniaga. Merekalah sekarang yang menjalan perniagaan tersebut. Aku cuma
memantau...atau lebih kurang jadi 'chairman'.. ..dan anak-anak aku
sebagai Directornya.

Sekali-sekali aku melihat jam di tangan. Oh, baru pukul 2.30.. lambat
lagi nak balik.Cepat la sikit pukul 5.00. ..bolehla aku berangan
lagi...Beginilah kehidupan aku
seorang kerani biasa...

muahahahahahaha

Laa....hampeh betul citer ni. Mat Jenin rupanyerr... ........

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